Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

 

With the holiday season in full swing, I felt like it was a great time to review this gem (that's pure sarcasm). Again we’re treading into the “so bad its great” territory, but that’s okay. It’s a pure escapist oddity. On the one hand, it has elements of a bad 50’s science fiction film. However, it’s also blended with childish humor, giving itself a kind of happy-go-lucky tone. Whichever way you look at it, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a crazy mess.

Martian parents Lady Momar (Leila Martin) and her husband Kimar (Leonard Hicks), are having a difficult time keeping their children attentive. Both kids spend most of the time glued to the “FUTURISTIC” flat-screen TV. What’s kept their attention are “earth programs”, which frustrates Kimar. He and other adults ask the wise Chochem (Can’t find actor) what to do. In what amounts to a teeth-pulling lecture, Chochem tells them to find Santa Claus to help spread joy to the otherwise drab Martian society. One martian by the name of Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the idea. His bad attitude towards Kimar’s leadership, along with his bushy mustache, pretty well establishes him as the chief antagonist. They take off for Earth in a small plastic model (sorry meant spaceship), to find Saint Nick. At first the Martians have a hard time doing so, only detecting counterfeit Santas in the city. They decide to capture two kids named Billy and Betty (Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti) to help them find the real Santa Claus. They inadvertently tell the Martians that his home is at the north pole, and are taken on board the ship. Oh, I almost forgot to mention Droppo (Bill McCutcheon) who basically stands in as this movie’s Jar Jar Binks. While the others are in another part of the ship, he sneaks the kids in the control room to show them around. As the other Martians come back, he hides the kids inside a box. The Martians’ controls for the ship are pretty laughable, and look like an arcade game. (Hence MST3K’s Servo comment: You sunk my battle ship!”) They land in the North Pole and begin their search. Billy and Betty soon creep out to escape, but find themselves pinned in a cave by a polar bear. Thought the spaceship looked cheap? Check out the polar bear, which is brought to life by an actor wearing a droopy bear costume. It leaves, but they soon are caught by the Martians’ robot, which almost makes the bear look real by comparison. Soon after, the Martians capture Santa Claus, and make their way back to Mars. During the trip, Voldar tries to take out Old Saint Nick by trapping them near the air lock. It fails, and they reach Mars, where Santa Claus helps to build toys and all sorts of stuff to make the kids happier (because that’s what Christmas is all about right?). Voldar again tries to stop him, by damaging the toys and capturing what he thinks is Claus (it’s actually Droppo dressed in a Santa suit). His plan falls apart again, and a bizarre, um, toy fight ensues. It’s complete with weird camera shots, and soundtrack, making it a fitting end to an awful movie plot line. Instead of staying, Santa Claus decides to designate Droppo as the Martian Santa, since he IS jolly and all that….right? If so, Droppo needs to improve his “fake laugh” if he’s going to take that job (see MST3K for that reference). THE END!!!!

 

                                       Breaking it Down

So what’s there to say about this holiday movie? Well, it certainly won’t be played on ABC Family every December along with Rudolph and Frosty, at the very least. It is a classic, however, in the B-Movie sense. The main problem is it tries so badly to be a kid’s movie, but fails in the charm, the imagination, and pretty much everything else. The only way anybody I would recommend watching it would be with the Mystery Science Theater riffing. Instead of spending $5.00 at the movie section, just watch the MST3K crew riff it on YouTube. As Darth Vader said, “It is the ONLY WAY!” It currently holds a 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and deservedly so.

1 out of 5 stars.

MST3K Treatment of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"

 

                                     It’s Alive!

                                

                                                    Intro

So far, I’ve reviewed some A quality movies, like Sinbad and Argonauts. I also treaded into MST3K territory with This Island Earth. While This Island Earth wasn’t the best, you haven’t seen anything like today’s movie. Directed by Larry Buchanan, It’s Alive! (1969) is definitely one of those films that are so bad, you just have to see them at some point. Many point to Ed Wood as the world’s worst film director, and while his movies are pretty bad, they look like Spielberg productions compared to the mess we’re reviewing today. In just about every way you look at it, It’s Alive is downright bad.

                                                 Plot Outline

The film begins with a young couple, Leela and Norman Sterns (Shirley Bonne and Corveth Ousterhouse) driving through the Ozarks on their way to California. Normally, audiences would learn this through characters’ dialogue. Exposition is helpful like that in most films. Not this one. Instead, most exposition is revealed through Mr. Buchanan himself, who narrates the entire intro scene of the movie. He reads his lines as they drive down the highway, saying almost absolutely nothing. The only thing that can be heard aside from Buchanan’s bizarre narration is the constant squeaking of the windshield wipers. Oh yeah, if you’re going to film a landmark horror/sci-fi movie, you’ve got to include that tedious sound. You’re about four or five minutes in, and so far the only interesting thing so far is the incoherent narration. For example, he states at one point “Legend has it that when it rains and the sun is shining, the devil is kissing his wife.” With that said, the driving montage here does prove to be slightly more interesting than from Manos: The Hands of Fate, for it features an old dinosaur-themed park that the couple decides to visit. The dino sculptures are oddly designed, with little regard to scientific accuracy, but they still add some charm to the film. They also hint at something foreboding waiting for Norman and Leilla deep in the Ozark wilderness. So far, the movie has started poorly, with a boring narration and not much else. However, the darkening scenery, coupled with the statues, starts to bring some potential to Buchanan’s dying project. Then the dialogue actually starts, with Norman dumbly stating “We’re almost out of gas.” How in the world did he not avoid something like that? Couldn’t they have had a flat tire, or their engine break down? No, Norman stupidly ignored the gas meter until the dial had reached EMPTY. Brilliant plot point Mr. Buchanan.

Anyway, they drive past the theme park to a young man’s property to ask where they could get gas. The man’s name is Wayne Thomas (Tommy Kirk), an archaeologist. He points them further up the road, to an older farmer named Greely (Bill Thurman), who owns a gas pump. As luck will have it, Greely proves less helpful when they get to his place. He claims to be out of gas until the next day, when the gas truck comes by. So at this point, the Sterns are stuck at Greely’s place for a while. Meanwhile, in private the farmer bickers with his terrified housekeeper, Bella, who begs him not to harm them. Greely in turn threatens her as well, though with what we don’t yet know. Leela also comments to Norman how disturbed she is about the crazed look in his eyes. In reality she sees is bad acting, and yes, that cinematic disease is contagious. He later invites them to check out his animal exhibit, which features snakes, coyotes, and other mountain critters. Then he brings them to a cavern entrance nearby, and shows them the inside. Once they’re in, he locks them in with prison bars, preventing escape. With a fake evil laugh that an infant could match, he leaves them behind. While trying to find a way to escape, (or whine a lot) Norman and Leela find Wayne, who was injured and captured by Greely earlier. Okay, now we have three protagonists: The whiny, selfish husband, and the good-intentioned wife and guy who played in Old Yeller. You can pretty well see where this is headed. While looking around the cave, they see a stairwell, which leads down to a mysterious spring at the cave bottom. At that moment, Greely appears with a gun. He tells the group of their coming fate, that he has a prehistoric creature living in the cavern, waiting to devour them. The group tries to convince him to share the animal with society, but that only angers him. He shoots Wayne, injuring him again. Wayne retaliates by throwing a flashlight at Greely, knocking the gun out of his hand. Again, Greely tries to let out a (VERY MUCH) forced laugh and flees. Norman gets jealous when Leela tends to Wayne’s wound, and hits her. He then descends down the stairs to retrieve the gun, where he is attacked and eaten by the dinosaur. Also, when I say dinosaur, I actually mean a guy in a green wetsuit wearing ping-pongs for eyeballs. Yes, it’s that bad.

 

Later, Bella sneaks into the cave to help the surviving pair. She then dives into flashback mode, telling them how she came to be Greely’s servant. In the flashback, she was a schoolteacher on a vacation, when she came across “Road Closed” sign. Next thing you know, she’s at his place. Why she didn’t just turn back and go the other way is never explained. I guess when you’ve used the “out of gas” explanation for getting your movie characters stuck, just don’t explain at all. Then of course Greely traps her at the house, starving her and driving her insane. Of course this shouldn’t take too long to explain right? It is after all just a short flashback. Wrong. The scene goes on for nearly TWENTY MINUTES. Of course this scene is also dialogue-free, just like the introduction. You will never see a more shameless example of film-padding my friend, because the whole sequence takes up nearly a third of the entire film. Afterward, Bella plans to get Wayne’s car key, which is in a bag outside the cave. She does so, but also inadvertently brings coffee that Greely drugged, in order to foil their plan. They drink it, and soon pass out. Greely then walks in, taking Leela to the dinosaur’s lair. Bella wakes Wayne, just in time to save Leela from the creature. Wayne and Leela flee the cave, leaving Bella, who is carrying dynamite. She then blows up the cave, burying herself, Greely, and the creature in the rubble. Outside and free, Wayne speculates that “maybe there never really was anything” in the cave. HUH??? What the director intended as ambiguity just left audiences wondering if the director had a little too much of Greely’s funny coffee.

                                         Breaking It Down

As I said, the poor quality of this film is legendary. Just about every line delivered is as flat as a pancake. The plot grinds to a halt to retell an endless and boring flashback. Don’t forget the awful “dinosaur suit”. Particularly bad is Bill Thurman trying VERY HARD to showcase insanity. His ridiculous evil laugh alone knocked this movie into the five dollar bin. Even Shirley Bonne and Tommy Kirk, both of whom are experienced actors, offer at best forgettable performances.

After reading all this, I’m sure you’re convinced I despise the movie. Yet, that’s not at all the case. It happens to be one of those movies that is so bad that it deserves at least one viewing. When the director provides the awful narration at the beginning, you will roll with laughter. The dinosaur costume looks so thoroughly goofy that you just can’t look away. Also, the movie was filmed with a grainy quality, offering a documentary-type charm to it. And the overall concept of people trying to escape a dinosaur in an Ozark cavern actually makes for an intriguing sci-fi horror plot. The only problem is this movie was helmed by Larry Buchanan, the architect of all bad movies. When the movie you’re in is directed by a guy who makes Ed Wood’s directing skills look good, you’re in trouble. However, as I said, his bad movies entertain us….to a degree anyway.

So there you have it, so bad it’s good!

I rate it…….a 1 out of 10. Sorry Mr. Buchanan. Sort of.

                                                           Trivia

The Dinosaur Park in the film’s beginning was built in the early 1960s, and was named “John Agar’s Land of Kong.” Agar himself didn’t own it, but a friend of his did, and he asked Agar to lend his name to the park. Later, after the release of Jurassic Park, the owner changed the name to “Dinosaur World” to help ride the movie’s coattails. I went to see the park twice, in 2001 and 2002, at the ages of 10 and 11, and really enjoyed it. Sadly, the park closed in 2005, and hasn’t been reopened since then. By the way, there’s a petition circulating to reopen the park. I have it attached it below, and hope you sign it!

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/reopen-the-beaver-dinosaur-world.html

 

It's Alive Full Movie