Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Martian parents Lady Momar (Leila Martin) and her husband Kimar (Leonard Hicks), are having a difficult time keeping their children attentive. Both kids spend most of the time glued to the “FUTURISTIC” flat-screen TV. What’s kept their attention are “earth programs”, which frustrates Kimar. He and other adults ask the wise Chochem (Can’t find actor) what to do. In what amounts to a teeth-pulling lecture, Chochem tells them to find Santa Claus to help spread joy to the otherwise drab Martian society. One martian by the name of Voldar (Vincent Beck) opposes the idea. His bad attitude towards Kimar’s leadership, along with his bushy mustache, pretty well establishes him as the chief antagonist. They take off for Earth in a small plastic model (sorry meant spaceship), to find Saint Nick. At first the Martians have a hard time doing so, only detecting counterfeit Santas in the city. They decide to capture two kids named Billy and Betty (Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti) to help them find the real Santa Claus. They inadvertently tell the Martians that his home is at the north pole, and are taken on board the ship. Oh, I almost forgot to mention Droppo (Bill McCutcheon) who basically stands in as this movie’s Jar Jar Binks. While the others are in another part of the ship, he sneaks the kids in the control room to show them around. As the other Martians come back, he hides the kids inside a box. The Martians’ controls for the ship are pretty laughable, and look like an arcade game. (Hence MST3K’s Servo comment: You sunk my battle ship!”) They land in the North Pole and begin their search. Billy and Betty soon creep out to escape, but find themselves pinned in a cave by a polar bear. Thought the spaceship looked cheap? Check out the polar bear, which is brought to life by an actor wearing a droopy bear costume. It leaves, but they soon are caught by the Martians’ robot, which almost makes the bear look real by comparison. Soon after, the Martians capture Santa Claus, and make their way back to Mars. During the trip, Voldar tries to take out Old Saint Nick by trapping them near the air lock. It fails, and they reach Mars, where Santa Claus helps to build toys and all sorts of stuff to make the kids happier (because that’s what Christmas is all about right?). Voldar again tries to stop him, by damaging the toys and capturing what he thinks is Claus (it’s actually Droppo dressed in a Santa suit). His plan falls apart again, and a bizarre, um, toy fight ensues. It’s complete with weird camera shots, and soundtrack, making it a fitting end to an awful movie plot line. Instead of staying, Santa Claus decides to designate Droppo as the Martian Santa, since he IS jolly and all that….right? If so, Droppo needs to improve his “fake laugh” if he’s going to take that job (see MST3K for that reference). THE END!!!!
Breaking
it Down
So what’s there to say about this
holiday movie? Well, it certainly won’t be played on ABC Family every December
along with Rudolph and Frosty, at the very least. It is a classic, however, in the B-Movie sense. The main problem is it
tries so badly to be a kid’s movie, but fails in the charm, the imagination,
and pretty much everything else. The only way anybody I would recommend
watching it would be with the Mystery Science Theater riffing. Instead of
spending $5.00 at the movie section, just watch the MST3K crew riff it on
YouTube. As Darth Vader said, “It is the ONLY
WAY!” It currently holds a 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and deservedly
so. 1 out of 5 stars.
MST3K Treatment of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
